The Internal Cookie Cutter: Why You Might Feel Like You’re Failing at Being Yourself

Many people come to therapy carrying a quiet sense of failure — not because their lives are falling apart, but because something inside doesn't quite feel right.

They're functioning. They're coping. On the surface, they're doing what they're "supposed" to do: holding things together, staying productive, being the strong one. And yet underneath it all, there's a weight. A pressure. A subtle kind of shame.

I often think of this as the work of the internal cookie cutter — a shape we've internalised somewhere along the way about how we should be. Calm. Efficient. Independent. Unbothered. Always in control.

And when we don't match that shape, we don't question the mould. We question ourselves.

Where does the cookie cutter come from?

None of us are born judging ourselves. But over time, we learn.

In my work — and in my own life — I've seen how early experiences quietly shape the expectations we carry. Sometimes it starts in families where emotions were managed, not met. Where certain feelings were welcomed and others subtly discouraged.

We learn early how to adapt. To be helpful. Easy. Low-maintenance. We pick up who we're allowed to be — and who we're not.

Other times, the mould is cultural. We're told:

• Be successful, but not too emotional.

• Be self-sufficient, but never a burden.

• Be fine. Just be fine.

The result is an internal shape we keep trying to match, even if we're not sure where it came from.

How it affects us as adults

The internal cookie cutter can be hard to spot because it's often so familiar. It doesn't always shout. Sometimes it just hums in the background:

• You feel guilty when you rest.

• You struggle to ask for help, even when you need it.

• You're always trying to "get back on track" — even if you're not sure what the track is.

• You seem calm, but feel flat, heavy, or disconnected inside.

You might think you're just not trying hard enough. But more often, the truth is gentler:

You're not broken. You just don't fit the shape you were taught to squeeze into.

The problem with the mould

The internal cookie cutter is rigid. It leaves little room for softness, uncertainty, or change. It quietly suggests that being human — with all your messiness and need — is somehow too much.

But this mould was never really yours. It was shaped by other people's expectations, early experiences, and the roles you learned to play. And in trying to live up to it, parts of you may have been left behind.

Therapy as a space to soften the shape

Therapy isn't about helping you fit the mould more efficiently. It's an invitation to get curious about where it came from in the first place.

• What were you taught you had to be?

• What have you kept hidden just to stay accepted or in control?

• What might be possible if those parts were allowed back in?

In the therapy room, we don't rush this. We explore it gently, at your pace.

Because it's only when we stop blaming ourselves for not fitting that we can begin to ask a different kind of question: Who might I be — outside the mould?

A closing reflection

If this resonates, you're not alone. Many of us carry these silent, inherited expectations. They shape how we show up in the world — and how we treat ourselves when we fall short.

But you are not failing.

You're responding to something you were never meant to carry alone.

Therapy offers a different kind of space: not for performance, but for presence. Not for fixing, but for making room.

Room to meet the parts of you that were left outside the cookie cutter.